I was trying to explain evolution to a cute but sheltered Mexican girl. "But human is the best," she said in her trilingual accent. "I'm glad to be human. Humans are better than dogs. Dogs are not smart."

I tried arguing that best is relative, that a cheetah would judge itself the best because it is the fastest, that an octopus would judge itself the best because it has eight sticky arms and goofy eyes, but she wasn't having it. I argued that intelligence was merely a gimmick, and because of it, we have to invent reasons to fuck and eat, whereas a squirrel just gets right down to business.

She changed the subject.

For my part, as an intelligent human, I carefully study the wisdom of animal cultures. I climb trees, chase birds, and lay in the grass. I am the best.

At the end of the day, all I worry about is finding someone to scratch behind my ears.

Hey, white boy, what you doin' uptown?
Hey, white boy, you chasin' our _ _ _ _ _ around?