OK, so by now you've all probably figured out that there are three things worth living for: coffee, cigarettes, and sex.

And you've probably figured out that I'm not necessarily someone you'd want to hire to be a clown at your kid's birthday party.

I can live with that.

And happily, provided I have plenty of coffee, cigarettes, and sex.

Life is good.

Children are not.

I was tossing around an alternate set of captions for this strip, having to do with getting evicted from a little girl's birthday party. "This is a private function, mister." I thought it was funny, but my journalistic integrity wouldn't allow me to perpetrate a fraud on the court. I have never been evicted from a little girl's birthday party. But I have been beaten up by an angry parent for being a bad influence.

This is life, ladies and gentlemen. Three color, sexy life.

OK. Brand war: